


Come back, Be here

by bisexualbauman



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, F/F, Letters, Post Reveal, Unsent letters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-08-13 21:28:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20181004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bisexualbauman/pseuds/bisexualbauman
Summary: Lena moves away after Karas secret identity is revealed to her. With either of them unsure what to do with all the hurt and betrayal and regret, they begin to write letters to each other- letters that neither of them are ever brave enough to send.





	1. LENA I

_‘And now that I can put this down, if I had known what I know now, I never would have played so nonchalant.’ _

A single tear rolled down Lena's cheek, dropping down onto the paper beneath her, splashing onto the fresh ink and smudging it down the page ever so slightly. She wiped her cheek with a sudden frustration, angry that she was even feeling the way she was. She knew, deep down that she should hate Kara, hate the person who weaved her way into her life only to betray her, only to lie to her every day and not even have the guts to admit the truth to Lena after all this time; but, when Lena sat at her desk, facing her new view of New York City, she couldn’t push down the desire to reach for her phone, her laptop, anything, and talk to Kara. Despite how her eyes would keep drifting to her emails, or how her hands would keep reaching for her phone, her mind overcome with how _easy_ it would be to just call her, to hear her voice again, even if it was only the sound of her voicemail, she stopped herself, every time. That was until it turned 9:00 pm and Lena was still in her office, even though she had gotten near to no work done, and she began reaching for a pen and paper as she drank her third glass of whiskey.

** Kara.  
If I had known from that moment you walked into my office, smile brighter than the sun as you shadowed your cousin, heart full of hope at the idea of becoming a reporter, I wonder if fate would’ve brought us to this same place. I think, even if it didn’t, that our paths would inevitably stop crossing, except maybe that way it would’ve been sooner. Maybe if I let our simple interaction stay as a couple of short meetings so you could get your first taste of reporting, maybe I wouldn’t have to be dealing with a betrayal and a pain worse than anything my family had ever put me through. Maybe if I didn’t let you into my life so easily, let your time intertwine with mine, let you in to the point where I felt you knew me better than I knew myself, then maybe I wouldn’t have to be sat here in New York with an amazing view but a gaping feeling in my chest that makes me feel as though I’m going to crumble apart with every breath I take. If I had known what I know now as you walked into my office for the first time, I never would have played so nonchalant. **

**I wonder if you ever thought of me. If when you lied down, in your bed of lies that you have spent the past few years basking in, letting the lies escalate past more than little white ones, I wonder if you thought of me, of my feelings. I wonder if you thought of how your decision to keep all of this from me would affect me, considering you know all the wrongs life has dealt me, the ways I've been impacted, and the ways that everyone in my life has betrayed me in some way. I wonder if you thought of any of that before you joined everyone else in betraying me, betraying my trust- even when that was the one thing you promised never to do. I must give it to you though Kara, you had me caught in every web that you weaved- I just wish I was strong enough to have never been caught in them in the first place.**

**I should’ve known better than to look in your eyes because they’d only pretend you would be mine. They’d only draw me in with that false sense of trust that lead me to bring down my walls for you (something we both know I don’t do for just anyone). Walking into my office with your eyes bursting with trust, and kindness, and openness did nothing but lead me to believe that maybe there would be someone in my life who I could care about, and who could care about me. Someone who made me feel as though I was safe, as though I was _home_\- and yeah, that was you, Kara, but then you took your lies, and you let them build and build and build, and instead of just telling me the truth, you let those lies grow until they were strong enough to break down the walls of that home that I felt as though I was in when I’m with you. **

**Now here I am, in a brand new office in a brand new city, where 100 things could be on my mind, _should be_ on my mind, but still, the only thing I can think of is you. All I can think of is you, and your starry eyes that promised me so much more than you could ever give, that promised that you’d be here for me- _always_, that you would always protect me- _always_. Well, I guess always, along with many things in our relationship, was a lie.**

**I should’ve known our friendships end was inevitable. Even ignoring your betrayal, I’m starting to realise that you would’ve left me anyways. After all, I’m a Luthor and you’re a Super; and despite you constantly reassuring me that you’d never leave, saying ‘who could ever leave you, darling?’**

**Who could stay? **

Her hands froze up as she began to write out Karas name onto an envelope, unable to go any further than the v of her last name- and in a sudden burst of fear, Lena took the paper and crumpled it in her hands, tossing it into the bin by the foot of her desk and deciding that she would never again write to Kara Danvers.


	2. KARA I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karas first unsent letter to Lena.

**‘I guess you’re in new york today, I don't wanna need you this way. Come back, be here’**

Kara's hands trembled as they lingered by the post box outside of Catco, her fingers clasped around the envelope she was holding with a type of fear she had never felt before. Today was the first day in weeks she had managed to pull herself out of bed and actually leave her apartment, and she already wished that she was back under the comfort of her warm duvet, away from the rest of the city- away from a city without Lena.

Written across the centre of the small white envelope was the address of Lena Luthors new building in New York. Kara so badly wanted to post it. So badly wanted to send it to Lena, to send all the words she didn’t say before, and maybe, just maybe, hear back from Lena (although she knew that deep in her heart, that would never happen. Not after everything that happened) but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t send it. She couldn’t put the envelope into the postbox, sending it on its way to Lena, so instead, she crumpled it up, hands still shaking, leaving all the things she wished Lena could know unsaid at the bottom of her bag.

**Lena,  
It’s been weeks since you left. I think I’ve lost track of all the days I’ve spent cooped away in my apartment, unable to drag myself out of bed to face a world that I cant share with you. I’ve tried grief baking, so much so that I can actually bake now, Lena, I’m like _really_ good at it; but no amount of baked goods is managing to fill this painfully empty void that I have in my life now that I won't have _you_.**

**In all honesty, I think you completed me, Lena. You still do. But I guess I have to deal with the consequences of my own actions, even if it means losing the woman who made me… _me_.  
For what it’s worth, Lena, I’m sorry, I’m truly sorry. I betrayed your trust and our friendship, all because I was scared. You gave me so much, you taught me how to feel whole, how to find a home in a person, rather than a place. You taught me how being loved was supposed to feel, you taught me to love and what it means to feel so much for someone that you’d put yourself on the line for them over and over, without even a second thought. You gave me roses, and I left them there to die, all because I was scared I would lose you forever- well that fear has become reality, but I can't blame you. After everything I did, everything I _didn’t do_, I don’t blame you for not wanting me in your life. All I can say now is that I wish you the best, and I hope you find someone who’ll paint you a blue sky without going back and turning it to rain. **

**I always knew I needed you, and that even when I didn't need you, I _wanted_ you, but nothing could've prepared me for how much you being gone really shows that. Sometimes I forget you've gone. In moments of naivety I forget what I did and I forget that you're in New York and not here, and its not until I see something or hear something that makes me think of you that I realise you're not here, that I can't just message you every time I hear that song I showed you that you always tried to pretend to hate until that one night I caught you singing and dancing to it when you didn’t realise I had walked back into the room. I can't call you every time I walk past that bakery you showed me that does the honest to god best brownies I've ever tasted, asking if you want anything. I can't visit you at your office in the late hours of the evening with a big belly burger when I know you’ll still be there, overworking yourself and forgetting to eat. I can't text you or call you to let you know I'm proud of you for all the good you've done and continue to do. I can't come to see you when I know things are rough, whether it be because of work or your family or anything. I can't send you photos of dogs I see on the street that I think you’d find cute and I can't tease you over your secret game night practices. I haven't even been able to show up to a game night since you left. I just can't show up there and pretend to be happy, pretend to be okay, whilst I play alongside someone that isn't you. I can't walk in there without thinking that you are meant to be with me, _always_; and I can't do any of this, can't have any of this, all because of _me_. There's nothing I can do to mute the pain I feel every time I go out and see something that makes me think of you because I'm the one to blame, I'm the one that messed up, and now I'm the one having to put up with that. I don't wanna need you like this, I _cant_ need you this, but I do, I do Lena and now you're gone, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to function, I just know that I need _you_.**

**I've got a hundred thrown out speeches I almost said to you, that I tried to say that night, and that I've tried to say ever since; but every time I tried my voice would always seem to get caught up in my throat and the air would leave my lungs, or my hands would tremble so much that I couldn’t put a pen to paper or I'd freeze up out of fear to the point my fingers can't type out all the words I didn't say. All I can say is I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. **

**I love you. **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!! sorry this took a little while to update and that its another short chapter! i hope you enjoy it regardless <3
> 
> im gonna try make the chapters get longer as they go so hopefully the next few will be longer than the first two!  
the next update might not be for a while as im unsure of how many opportunities ill get to write over the next couple of weeks but ill update as soon as i can <3


	3. LENA II

_ ‘This is when the feeling sinks in, I don't wanna miss you like this. Come back, be here’ _

** Kara,  
It’s been weeks since I last tried to write, and honestly, the memories of what was said are lost to me in a teary, alcohol-infused haze.**

Lena's hands trembled as she moved her fingers across the paper, pen in hand, desperate that she’d be able to keep it all together enough to say what she had been dying to get out for weeks before her fear overcame her and left her crashing down into a pile of shaky breaths and blotchy, tear-stained cheeks.

** I don’t know why, but I’ve been foolishly waiting and hoping that maybe you’d have the strength I never did and that you’d reach out to me. Thinking about it now, I realise how stupid it is of me to even think about that for a second; after all _ I _ was the one who ran, _I_ was the one who ignored your calls and blocked your number, and _I_ was the one whos explosive reaction is the one who got us into this mess, so why I thought that you’d be the one willing to med all I’ve broken, I’ll never know.  
This whole time, I’d been blaming this whole thing entirely on you, on the lies you kept and the way you still refused to own up to everything you’d kept from me when I brought it up, but now I’m here thinking about it, I realise you’re not the one who should be bearing all the weight of this. At first, all I could think of was how you had the gall to betray my trust in the way you did, knowing full well how my past has impacted my ability to trust and let people in, but the agonising weeks turning to months filled with nothing but drinking and thinking about you helped me see it all so much clearer now. Yes, you lied to me, you betrayed my trust and broke something you knew would be near impossible to mend, but the only person to blame for pushing you to act this way was _me_. This whole time you’ve been by my side, you’ve seen my responses to the people in my life that I love and care about as they betray me, first my mother, and then eventually eve alongside my brother (yet again); and you’ve seen me lash out in nothing but anger and hurt, so how was I to expect you to feel comfortable enough sharing your truth to me, knowing I’d see it as a lie, when you knew what would be waiting for you.   
I’ve realised now that I miss you far too much to continue looking at this whole situation through foggy glasses that only show my point of view. You’ve saved me countless times as Kara Danvers, and you’ve vowed to protect me, always, and you being supergirl isn’t going to change that, if anything it proves it. I keep thinking back to all the times you’ve risked yourself, hell all the times you've risked the whole **_city_ just to keep me safe, and then all I can think of is how harshly I’ve treated supergirl because I’ve done nothing but doubt her when you’ve spent the past few years having the utmost faith in me- screaming from the rooftops that ‘Lena Luthor is good’. 

**Anyway, we aren’t on the playground anymore- it doesn’t matter who we think is to blame for this, because I truly no longer care; all I care about is the you shaped void in my life that nothing can come close to filling. I really think that you could kill a dozen men, and I would soon get over it, because if these few months have taught me anything it’s that I never want to miss you the way I’ve been missing you- I never again want this feeling to sink in that all I’ve ever wanted and needed has just been so easily torn away from my life like a band aid off of a child's knee. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with missing you like this and all I need to hear is for you to tell me to come back, to be with you, and I’d come running back, Kara, I’d run. I’d run because it’s you and me, that's my whole world, and no amount of pain or distrust or anger could make it worth losing you and losing what we have, well, had. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still angry at you. I’m so angry and hurt that I feel I have no space for all these feelings, and where I once was overflowing with nothing but love for you, that love is now a tainted kind of adoration, one where my the fog of my feelings for you no longer clouds my judgement. It’s a much more fragile kind of love, a love where I feel like either one of us could cause things to go tumbling down again if we weren’t careful enough, but I’m fine tiptoeing around this love as long as I'm tiptoeing alongside you. **

The last few lines came out in a shaky mess, barely readable, but by that point Lena could hardly find it in her to care. She knew that she would never be able to send the letter; she had faced world threatening attacks and several handfuls of people out to kill yet and yet she was scared of _posting a letter._ When she thought of talking to Kara, her insides twisted up into a gut wrenching fear that made her feel as though she would pass out. She had could face the scariest things the world had to offer- but none of them would scare Lena as much as reaching out to the person in this world who she loved the most, admitting that nothing mattered anymore, as long as she got her back.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry this chapter was like... v short, the other ones may be longer or they might not be! who knows! not me!


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